Who did it come from and why?

Okay, now that we've cleared that up, only two questions remain to be answered.

Who gave Ireland's Prime Minister $45,000 in 1994, and why has he been making up implausible stories about the payment?

When the girlfriend and supersecretary of Bertie Ahern, Celia Larkin (right), dropped into his office at St Lukes in December 1994, at his request, to pick up a suitcase full of cash and take it to the AIB bank and deposit it, where had the money come from?

Who gave Bertie such a massive sum of American currency, in cash, a sum he has consistently blustered and given ever-changing and bizarre explanations for? And more importantly, why?

Let's recall that Bertie, formerly a Finance Minister who didn't have a bank account, the allegedly qualified accountant who signed blank cheques for his mentor, corrupt former Taoiseach Charlie Haughey, initially claimed that this cash was an amount that his landlord Michael Wall had given him in order to refurbish the house he was renting.

Of course, such an amount to refurbish a relatively new home is bizarre to begin with. To have your landlord hand it over to you in foreign currency banknotes is stranger again. Since Bertie was signing so many blank ones for Charlie, you'd think these people might have heard of cheques.

For that landlord to subsequently sell the house to his tenant only a couple of years later, after ploughing £30,000 STG into it, makes virtually no financial sense whatsoever, especially since he sold it to Bertie for only £140,000 punts and had only owned the home for a couple of years, during which it seems Bertie was renting it the whole time.

Remember, this is only ONE of the strange payments Bertie received in cash at that time. Let's not forget the two whiprounds totalling £8,000 punts that he got from businessmen pals in Manchester. Or the debts of honour, totalling £39,000 punts he received but never repaid until this all became public in 2006?

Then there is the £50,000 punts he had apparently saved up between 1987 and 1994, despite having no bank account in that period.

Now that we know that the £30,000 STG house improvement donation from Michael Wall doesn't add up, the question remains, who did give Bertie that money, which appears to be $45,000? Was Bertie receiving large undeclared cash donations from American interests?

And more importantly, why?

Sadly, like the end of season cliffhanger, we've now got to wait for months for the answer. Tune into the Tribunal in the Autumn to find out.

We'd like the island and the big house back, thanks

First things first. Let's save trees. That's what the interweb is for. Download your copy of the Moriarty Report here. Now you have your Christmas reading material sorted.

Of course, Charlie Bird and numerous other breathless hacks have already spoiled the best gags in there, like how our evil hero Charlie Haughey stole three quarters of his best mate's liver transplant fund.

Or how he lived a mere 171 times beyond his means while telling the people of Ireland to tighten their belts and sell more of their children into emigration.

But really, we've all known for an awfully long time what a total scumbag and crook this venal little man was. Terry Keane, another venal little person, has repeatedly sold her story, so we already have it on eyewitness account that he was an adulterous man who splashed enormous cash because his bossy mistress made him feel like the uncultured shitehawk he actually was.

And as far back as the McCracken tribunal, we knew Charlie was dodgier than Gary Glitter running a kindergarten.

So really, the only outstanding issues that remain are as follows:

Why did it take so long to publish this report? Could some form of it not have emerged during the old thief's life, so that he knew exactly how disgraced and rumbled he was? Why was he permitted to bullshit the tribunal that he wasn't fit to attend for six years, during which he fecked off to regattas in the south of France and holidayed on his personal island?

Our current Taoiseach, now revealed as Charlie's cheque-signer, is allegedly a trained accountant. Since even children know that you don't sign blank cheques, how in the name of God does the Moriarty report whitewash Bertie? Either he should be stripped of both being Taoiseach and his accountancy qualifications for being a total moron, or else he should be facing corruption charges too. Saying he's a gobdaw is not sufficient.

Now we know Abbeville and Inishvickillaun are the products of corrupt behaviour. So why aren't they being turned over to the people? Why should Haughey's ugly brood benefit from this corruption? Apparently Haughey's €20 million in legal bills to the tribunal are to be paid by the state. Why should you and I have to pay that scumbag's legal bills, which he ran up while telling porkies to the tribunal to try to cover up his massively corrupt lifestyle? Sell the big house and the private island to pay the fucking bills.

Remember all of these questions come the next election, people. This report shouldn't go away. The people in power now were around then and knew what was going on.

When some candidate comes to the door crowing about Fianna Fail's success in the Irish economy or some such crap, demand that the Haughey family are made to pay their corrupt pappy's legal bills. Demand that the Criminal Assets Bureau seize the family estate and private island as products of corrupt behaviour and ill-gotten gain.

And via your votes, remove from power a man who considered it fine business practice to sign blank cheques for crooks.