Just can't keep their hands to themselves

French footballers, that is.

As if palming the ball into the net to cheat Ireland out of a World Cup final place was not ignominy enough, the French national soccer team appear to be grasping for ever greater shame.

Two of their most prominent players have just been questioned by police over allegations that they may have slept with underage prostitutes.

Or, as we call them in the civilised world, children.

Anonymous footballer's defence? The all-time classic (well, it worked here in Ireland and we're still waiting for the corrective surgery on the constitution), "I thought she was older."

I wonder how old he thought she was. Older than 27 year old married Muslim Franck Ribery? Older than 30 year old Sidney Govou, father to a five year old girl?

The age of consent in France is, incidentally, 18. The prostitute on at least one occasion is believed to be younger than that. And of course, the concept of 'consent' is highly debatable in a context rife with pimps.

What charming role models the French football team are for young people, altogether.

At this point, they couldn't accrue more negative publicity if it emerged that they sacrifice downs syndrome children to Satan before each game.

Cheats. And now (allegedly) child rapists.

Pervert Central - South Belfast

South Belfast is pervert central.

Of the nearly 900 people on the Northern Ireland sexual offenders register (ie, child abusers, rapists and assorted other perverts) a terrifying 774 live in the community, free to strike again.

Unfortunately, you don't get to know if they're living in your neighbourhood or not. The Government and the police don't think you deserve to know if a paedophile lives at the end of your street, or next to your child's school.

But at least we have this breakdown.

It seems that the place to avoid if you want to live far away from nonces and pederasts is leafy South Belfast. There are 116 convicted sex offenders living freely and openly in South Belfast.

If the house prices weren't falling there already, they'll be tumbling now.

I'm just surprised that there weren't even more in West Belfast, given its long-standing reputation as an incest hotspot.

Gary Glitter's new runaround

Apparently, Gary Glitter has now agreed to return to the UK, after faking a heart attack to avoid his flight and trying to flee to Hong Kong instead.

Now that he's accepted he must return to Britain, he's already gone and bought a new motor. If you're in London any time soon, look out for the new glittermobile:

Grass up this nonce

This piece of walking faeces has been raping young boys for years and posting the pictures for other perverts on the internet.

Interpol are very keen on finding him, so much so that for the first time ever they've publicised the pictures of him.

If you know this man, or know where he is, or can identify him in any way, please contact your local cops ASAP.

Or, if you prefer, simply torture the prick to death, since he clearly doesn't deserve to live. No jury on the planet would convict you for doing that.

Get your kids off Myspace

It's now time to get your kids off Myspace.

After various US states forced the Rupert Murdoch-owned firm to identify convicted sex offenders with profiles on the social networking site, they were horrified to discover that nearly 30,000 perverts had profiles on the site, which is popular with teens and even younger kids.

This is after Myspace had already removed 7,000 profiles of convicted sex offenders from the site. And this figure only includes American sex offenders, not those from any other country.

What's even more concerning is that word about using Myspace to contact underage kids seems to have gone out among the pervert world. How else to explain the quadrupling of the number of sex offenders on the site in the past two months?

Its rival in Ireland and the UK, Bebo, seems to be somewhat more serious when it comes to online safety of the underage. They appointed Irishwoman Dr Rachel O'Connell as their safety officer some time ago, and this week they introduced a set of educational resources to promote the safe and responsible use of social networking across its user community.

Which is not to say that I'd recommend permitting your children to spend hours unattended on any social networking site. But kids will be kids, and if they must be on a site like this, then it's clearly safer that they use Bebo.

And of course, it's of the utmost importance that parents involve themselves in their children's online lives, and inform themselves about the risks involved. Nothing makes a child safer in any walk of life than their feeling able to speak to and confide in their parents about everything.