Tuesday, April 15, 2008
I know it's a hard call.
After all, malaria kills up to three million people and infects over 500 million every year.
Fundamentalist religious beliefs not only cause repression among those who espouse them, but also lead to the oppression, usually by violence, of those who don't.
But of all the evils incomprehensibly permitted by God to ravage this poor planet, is there any greater cause of human misery than that rip-roaring cunt Michael O'Leary?
We are informed by experts that experiencing misery is an essential part of truly comprehending happiness in life.
But surely there is absolutely no excuse, no lesson to be learned, no mitigating factor in the unremitting evil that is Michael O'Leary and his army of hellspawn?
By now you may have gathered that I broke a vow I made to myself, the promise that NEVER EVER AGAIN would I subject myself to the Auschwitz conditions of a Ryanair flight.
I had to get to Cork and back. There really weren't many options. Driving and the train would take too long. Aer Arann, who also ply the route, were asking for a truly silly amount of money.
So I made the mistake of booking a flight with Ryanscare. (You know, a fright with every flight.)
Firstly, the flight down to Cork was largely uneventful. It nearly arrived on time (and of course, an annoying tannoy message erroneously informed us that it had done when we landed.) That lulled me into a false sense of security.
The next day on the return leg, things were different. Despite checking in online already, the scum wanted another 4 euro of my money to check in. What???
Then to add to my confusion, and their blatant thievery, they demanded that I pay 18 euro more to check in my hand luggage.
"No thanks," I said. "It's my hand luggage."
They insisted it was too big, or the wrong shape, or too fragile or some such bullshit to be allowed in the cabin.
I informed them that it had been perfectly permitted by the same alleged airline on the way TO Cork, only a day previously. Nothing had been added or taken away from the bag in the meantime.
But they insisted, like the jobsworth cretins they are. And what can one do, in Cork airport at ridiculous o'clock in the morning, as a queue of other harrassed people grows behind you and starts mumbling, only give in to Ryanair's preposterous larceny?
"You can write to Ryanair's head office and complain," suggested a Servisair monkey who was insisting that it wasn't her fault that she was demanding my money for no good reason.
Yeah. I've tried that before. They don't answer. You have to take the scumbags to court to make them take your complaint seriously. And then they really try to treat you like shit on O'Leary's leather loafers.
Don't believe me? Remind yourself how they treated THIS poor woman.
I'm not going to write. Instead, I'm going to ignore O'Leary, and address myself instead to the hundreds of grunts and minions who man his evil empire.
Dear Ryanair Staff:
Are you proud of what you do and who you work for? Are your parents proud?
Is harrassing the public something you aspire to achieve in life? Is there truly nothing else you could do to make a living?
Just because your name badge says Servisair doesn't mean that you're not a Ryanair employee.
Just because O'Leary's memo told you to treat the public like lepers does not mean you are obliged to.
Just because it says in your contract that you should, at every possible opportunity, attempt to steal money from the public to line O'Leary's capacious pockets with, is not reason in itself to do so.
Have some fucking self-respect. Do something useful with your life instead.
Become a student, even. Sign on if you must.
Try prostitution or drug dealing.
Torture Zimbabwean democrats for Robert Mugabe if the inkling grabs you. Suppress Tibetan freedom protesters with Chinese special forces if you're so inclined.
Whatever you do, it's bound to be more useful to society, create less misery on this Earth, than working for that butt-munching goblin O'Leary and his Empire of Evil.
You can give it up. And if you start, others will follow. Eventually, the whole thing will collapse.
It can be done. Start now. Resign your Ryanair job, or your proxy Ryanair job with Servisair and their equivalents, and begin to live a decent life.
You know you want to.
P.S. Has anyone else noticed that Ryanair's staff are some of the ugliest people on Earth?
I remember when the vocation of airline hostess was one almost entirely populated by amazing, gentle, kind, generous women with model good looks. That's still the case with proper airlines like SAS and Singapore Airlines.
But Ryanair seem to do their recruiting down dark alleys late at night, in the rougher parts of town.
Seriously, some of those trolley dollies make the Manchester United first team look attractive. I guess it's all part of O'Leary's masterplan to add misery at every turn.