JC Skinner's guide to quitting smoking

1. Pick a day to quit, preferably within a week.

2. Two minutes before midnight the day before you quit, smoke your last cigarette.

3. Throw out all the rest of your cigarettes, ashtrays, lighters and matches.

4. Don't smoke any more cigarettes, ever.

Simple, really. I don't know why I didn't do it a long time ago. Now you know how it's done, it's your turn next. Don't give the feckers in Phillip Morris and Reynolds your hard-earned cash and your health.

What finally gave me the courage to quit the addiction was watching an old Michael Moore TV show from the Nineties, where he took a bunch of laryngectomy patients to Reynolds' HQ to serenade the board members of that firm with Christmas carols. All the singers had voiceboxes, and all had smoked Camels cigarettes, made by Reynolds.

If you're still not motivated, why not have a look at this. It's the very segment I'm referring to.

The longer episode that was broadcast was even better. The company's directors came down the stairs and it was evident from their pearly whites and barrel chests, not to mention tailored suits, that they enjoyed a fantastic quality of life at the literal expense of the lives of their customers.

If tobacco firm directors aren't smokers, wtf am I doing feeding their profits at the cost of premature death? WTF are you doing still smoking?

So I quit. In 50 years time, people will look back incredulously and wonder how it took so long to ban such a blatantly and irredeemably negative product.

That's got nothing to do with Nazis, health or otherwise. Even guns and nukes have a peacekeeping purpose. Heroin is a useful painkiller. But tobacco has absolutely no redeeming qualities. Let's ban it entirely and consign it to history.