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Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Poison Pens 3: Speaking with forked tongues


So, you're an Irish tabloid editor and Grainne Seoige has finally managed to have that fella removed from her nice RTE couch and replaced with her own sister.

You run the only evening national paper in the country, so you're guaranteed to have the first review of their new show.

But if it's bad, and you slam it, you'll never get access to either of the photogenic, units-selling sisters again. And if it's bad and you don't slam it, then the readers will see through your vapid puffing of poo.

So, like the RTE producers who gambled on the sister act, you hope and pray it works.

Then it doesn't. It's a car crash, unwatchably bad. How do you review it?

Well, if you're the Evening Herald, you pan it and puff it all at the same time! Genius!

Front page today bills their TV critic Pat Stacey's review inside on page three. And Pat pulls no punches - "one great, big, private joke", "the Seoige sisters absolutely drip with smugness", "like being smothered with a pink blanket at a pyjama party", "a ramshackle mess", "catastrophically bad."

Well, that's the end of the Evening Herald running any 'exclusives' about the Seoige sisters for the next century or so, right?

Wrong. Because thirty pages in is where the Evening Herald destroys its own (admittedly greatly diminished) integrity by hedging the bet.

Their 'columnist' Sinead Ryan is one you can always rely on for vapid girly frothiness. There's not a subject on Earth she can't trivialise with her shallow insights.

And of course, she's got an opinion on the Seoiges that she just has to share with us - "super, sassy and sexy", "a winner", "fab combination", deserving of a "prime time Friday or Saturday night slot."

So, what is the casual reader, who missed the Seoige show, to make of the Evening Herald's reviews?

Is the show catastrophically bad or a fab combination? Is it like being smothered with a pink blanket or deserving a prime time slot? Is it somehow both, in the self-contradictory world of the Evening Herald?

And is the Evening Herald a newspaper with opinions and reviews that can be trusted, or is it a self-contradictory bag of shite?

8 comments:

Twenty Major said...

Wasn't the Herald the same paper who gleefully pointed out 'Katie's cellulite' as one of their snappers took pictures of her going into her birthday party, then self-righteously bitched about anyone that had a bad thing to say about her when she got coke sick and died?

JC Skinner said...

I do believe it was!
The question remains - are the editorial staff schizophrenic, or do they simply exult in speaking out of both sides of the mouth at once?

Twenty Major said...

They're just covering all their bases.

Peter Slattery said...

Now if only they could tear apart that smug, arrogant, insipid string of piss, Ryan Tubridy and his celebrity cock-sucking show Tubridy Tonight and get that pulled, maybe the print media and RTE could claw back some integrity.

Oh, and get rid of those How Low Can You Go idiots too. Rant.

arseface said...

Yes, but Grainne is pretty. Sile is pretty. Joe O'Shea is not pretty. It's another manifestation of the bimbofication of television.

JC Skinner said...

I honour the truths you speak, Mr Slattery and Mr Face.

Rua said...

two smug hotties is a significant improvement on one smug hottie and a man nobody has heard of before or since the great RTE tragedy that was Seoighe and Ó Sé.

I still don't think I'll be tuning into Sister Act...or whatever awful name the commissioning heroes at RTE have thought up

Peter Slattery said...

Tell ya what RTE. I'll watch 'Seoige' if they do a remake of 2 Girls 1 Cup. They could call it Dha Calini aon Chup or whatever the Irish equivalent is.