BBC's online magazine asked readers to answer ten of the most common difficult questions that children ask. They didn't publish my suggested answers for some strange reason, so I reproduce them here instead:
1) Why don't all the fish die when lightning hits the sea?
Why don't you go swimming during the next thunderstorm and ask them?
2) How much does the sky weigh?
Who fucking cares? Do your homework! That is one of your homework questions? Meh. I'm getting you moved into Ordinary Maths next term.
3) Why can't people leave other people alone?
Are we talking about kids in your school or strange smelly old men in grubby white vans?
4) Why are birds not electrocuted when they land on electricity wires?
They wear tiny wellies, obviously. Tiny invisible wellies.
5) What is time?
The thing you're never on.
6) Why is the Moon sometimes out in the day and sometimes at night?
Because it's not subject to my curfew. Now get your sorry ass back inside the house!
7) Why did God let my kitten die?
He hates you, of course. Actually, God didn't let your kitten die. There is no God. Must've been you who killed it. And no, you can't get a puppy to replace it.
8) Why do I like pink?
Because you're gay. Your mother's heart is broken, by the way.
9) Why is water wet?
It's not as wet as you, with your pink and your kittens and what not.
10) Why does my best friend have two dads?
He doesn't. He has a dad and a mum like anyone else. But his mum left when she found out his dad was a batty boy.