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Friday, April 16, 2010

The JC Skinner guide to trekking and camping

1. Backpacks are for poor people and students. Instead of carrying an unwieldy backpack, why not travel lightly and stylishly, bringing only a briefcase into the wilderness instead?

2. Hiking boots take too long to lace up. Instead, equip your feet with a nice pair of blue suede brothel creepers. They may not have quite the same grip when you're scaling rocks, but they are infinitely better looking.

3. Make sure you pack all the essentials for spending time in the wilderness. A hipflask of whiskey provides warmth, comfort, entertainment and functions as a decent insect repellant.

4. When trekking in hot weather, some people make the mistake of stripping down to light clothing, then slathering themselves in sunscreen to avoid burning. This is easily resolved by instead hiking in a full three piece suit with Panama hat, thereby ensuring no skin needs to be emolliated.

5. Make sure to stay up late drinking each night. After all, what is the wilderness for if not for raucous singing that would bring the police to your door in any urban environment? Don't worry about hangovers. Scientific research indicates that they hurt less than hiking across mountains in the first place.

6. Remember there are no emergency medical facilities in the wilderness, especially not in Third World wildernesses. So try not to fall off mountains, drown, pick fights with forest-dwelling freedom fighters or anything else that might lead to a slow and agonising death. On the other hand, poking tarantula nests with sticks and yelling at bears can be fantastic fun.

7. Of course, you could just stay in the nearest five star resort instead.

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