Volcano cloud closes in - Continent sealed off

Attention: News Editors

Pictures Editors

Transport / Environ Corrs.

Media Invitation

This evening, Micheal Panic-Stricken, Third Deputy Acting Assistant Secretary, Department of Transport, will brief the media after a meeting of the Government Taskforce on Half-Arsed Planning and Iodine Tablet Distribution, concerning the ongoing issue involving the volcanic ash cloud OF DOOM.

You are invited to attend or to send a representative, or are otherwise advised to paint your windows with white paint, and hide under the table or else in a cupboard until the all-clear is sounded," he whimpered earlier today.

"While it is true that Ireland is now sealed off from the civilised world, this is no reason for alarm," insisted Mr Panic-Stricken. "Ye could hide out up North if the dissidents haven't derailed the Enterprise. And the government has worked hard to ensure the continued ferry services from Dublin and Rosslare."

"We understand that many would-be emigrants are concerned that their attempts to leave this moribund, depressed, jobless shithole could be undone by this tragic volcanic disaster. But we are where we are, right under the volcanic cloud OF DOOM, so it's only by reverting to our traditional strengths - exporting people by boat like cattle - that we can ensure the ongoing green shoots of recovery."

Venue: Civil Service Banqueting Hall, National Emergency Co-ordination Centre, Kildare St., Dublin 2.

Refreshments: Tay and hang sangwiches (made with guaranteed dioxin-free pork) will be made available. Out-of-date iodine tablets will be served for dessert.