Oolster-Scòtch comes of age

At long last, the imaginary language has produced something of genuine worth.

No, not the 'translation' fees that helped fund turncoat Ian Parsley's ill-fated tilt at political superstardom. I mean a genuine piece of art even more hilarious than Lord Laird's excuses for his stratospheric taxi expenses.

Welcome to 1690 and all thon, a satirical examination of Northern Ireland's politics and culture, with a special focus on the nonsense that is Ulster-Scots.

You have to admire 'Professor' Wullie and his associates Billy and WJ for their mastery of this spoof language. I really hope they're receiving some sort of grant from the millions of wasted taxpayers' money that's being pissed away on this linguistic scam.

After all, if the Department of Arts and Culture can fund the paedophiles, bigots and chancers who run the actual Ulster-Scots Scam, surely these comic geniuses should be getting a few quid?

"Git yer fingers oot and haun thon wee lads a few shillin, Norn Iron Oaffis! Shure they've goat tae be wirth mair than payin fir Lord Laird's fauncy dress an cabbie bills," said one of the zero existing native speakers of Ulster-Scots yesterday.

PS. RIP to Horseman, author of the Ulster's Doomed blog, whose excellent work highlighting the duplicity of Ian Parsley is linked above. Sadly he passed away recently (Horseman, that is, not Parsley, more's the pity.)
The blogosphere is a poorer place without Horseman and his forensic numerical examinations of Northern Ireland and its politics. Our thoughts are with his family and friends.

Solidarity among bloggers

I note with interest that celeb gossip blogger 'Perez Hilton' has been allegedly assaulted at some Canadian music video awards show.

'Hilton' is in reality an overweight gay Latino wannabe called Mario Lavandeira, and he has for a long time now been desperate to parlay his blogging nerdery into a place at the table with those he spins scandal about.

Hence the bizarre scenario whereby this overtly gay man ends up judging the Miss America contest, which predictably results in controversy when he decides to get outraged because one girl's a devout Christian and doesn't agree with gay marriage.

I don't know if this pointless cretin was really hit or not. Certainly, he appears to have got his video camera out and filmed himself crying like a little girl, though.

So, buried under layer upon layer of self-importance and self-regard, is the tiny possibility that someone really did the world a favour by slapping this bitch up.

And the inadvertent comedy of those 'tweets', in which 'Hilton' pleaded with the public to rush to his hotel to help him with the 'bleeding' will raise a smile for some time yet.

Should I be showing more solidarity for my fellow blogger? Should I not show sympathy for someone unfairly struck down? After all, according to the self-publicist, 'violence is never the answer.'

Except, of course, if the question is: "What word beginning with V describes the sort of act of aggression that is the correct response to dealing with whining, self-important, duplicitous gossip queens without talent when they accost you at a music awards ceremony in Canada?"

Let me be clearer still: 'Perez Hilton' is the bleeding edge of all that's wrong in the modern media. He inhabits the nexus where the internet, web 2.0 and social networking intersect with reportage and old media.

You'd hope for better from such an intersection - a democratisation of information, perhaps. A gripping real-time account of revolutions, such as we thought, for a second, we were going to get in Iran (until we all realised that the protests are a CIA funded activity.)

Instead we get this poison - 'Perez Hilton' breathlessly puffing other pointless inanities, but most of all himself. It upsets me that people care enough about such vacuous irrelevances to keep 'Perez' thinking that he's important.

So that's why I'm delighted today to see that he's cupping his eye and crying for teacher, just like the mouthy, bitchy little wanker in the playground who thinks he's fantastic being full of cheek to all the other kids until eventually someone stops him with a fist.

Because it seems to me that 'Perez' is still living in the playground. A dose of playground morality, therefore, doesn't seem amiss.

Baldy Blogger dies

RIP to the Baldy Blogger, the award-winning, brave Adrian Sudbury who died in his sleep last night.

Adrian did more than anyone to demonstrate the validity of blogging as an activity.

His online testimony of his illness helped to demystify the medicalese surrounding leukaemia and cancer in general.

And his selflessness in sharing his experiences, and explaining and contextualising them for the lay person, is some feat given that he was suffering a terminal illness.

He died at the age of 27. But he achieved more than most people do in three times long a life.

Baldy blogger, RIP.

Blogs CAN make a difference!

I stand corrected.

I have been languishing under the delusion that blogs were a time-killing online goof, something that people slightly too intelligent for Bebo read and post in between checking their email compulsively and viewing hilarious clips on Youtube during the quiet times at work.

For sure, there is the odd blog in America or someplace that breaks news about political scandals. Or there's the occasional one by some British chick talking about her sex life or living in France, who got to turn her blog into a book.

But basically, apart from these rare and well-known exceptions, it seemed to me that blogs don't really make an enormous impact in the world. I can see their potential, the benefits of the medium and the format. But at this point in time, they're below the tipping point where they might genuinely be said to make a difference.

Generally, most blogs seem to be about people's private crazy thoughts or their cats, or their crazy thoughts about their cats. And they're about as Earth-shatteringly relevant as most people's crazy thoughts about cats might be expected to be - ie not remotely relevant or important at all.

Certainly not something you might describe as making a difference to this world.

Boy, was I wrong.

One English blogger has just made history in this regard. It appears as if his blog about pop twiglets Girls Aloud may have been instrumental in helping to prevent the kidnap, rape, murder, torture and mutilation of the band members.

Well done, that blogger.

What? Oh, the blog was his sick fantasy about murdering the girls in the band and he was the would-be killer that his blog brought to police attention?

Well, it still makes a difference in my book. Carry on with the crazy thoughts, people. Just make sure to keeping blogging about them too. The future of slutty pop music could depend on it.

Blogs V Jobs

What happens when the irresistable blog meets the immovable earner?

The thought crossed my mind recently as I noted the passing of two of Ireland's more popular blogs - Sigla and Present Tense.

Both are now firmly in the past tense, as their authors move on to pastures new and, crucially, paying.

I can appreciate the difficulties for a journalist who has a blog. You write for a living, which is hard enough. Getting paid for writing is even harder. So where's the motivation in doing it for free? A blog is in a way only encouragement for people to expect your work for nothing - including that nefarious species, editors.

I don't think it's a coincidence that both Sinead and Shane were functioning hacks before they blogged. I get the sense that blogging was something they tried and found ultimately incompatible with the day job.

Other hacks, like Richard Delevan and Sarah Carey, seem able to keep both plates spinning in the air. But then again, Sarah came to journalism via her blog being noticed by the Sunday Times, while Richard has long mastered the high wire act of keeping both in balance.

Maybe he manages it because his articles tend to be lengthy, considered pieces of work, whereas his blog is often home to much shorter items that have come to his notice.

There are other blogs by Irish journos. But by and large they're either by youngsters starting out on their career or they're done under pseudonyms.

Perhaps the former are just looking for an outlet, somewhere to practice their chosen trade, maybe even get noticed. Perhaps the latter are looking to put things into the public domain which their paymaster won't publish. I'm speculating here, of course.

The clash of cultures between 'old' media and 'citizen journalism' has become a somewhat hackneyed topic for debate, and to me it seems defunct as we're still in some sort of transitional arrangement wherein both forms are seeking to find a way to marry into each other, like a messy corporate merger.

But the intersection between blogging and the media does seem to produce regular casualties, and those casualties are nearly always the blog, which doesn't pay, as opposed to the media work which does.

It would be great to see more established journalists commence blogging in Ireland. But sadly the trend seems to be going in the opposite direction. Anyone remember this from one particular Irish media titan?

And he got paid for it. Just not enough, presumably, for it to continue into the present.

When the need and opportunity to progress a career in the media clashes with blogging, it's the blog which is the first casualty. Because they take time and consideration and thought, and they don't pay.

This isn't restricted solely to hacks, of course. Other good blogs have fallen by the wayside as their authors lacked time to blog because they were busy earning elsewhere.

And even though blogs are free to read, we're all a little poorer for that loss.

It strikes me that the payment available to bloggers (other than a pittance of adsense revenue or similar) is in the interaction from reader comments. You don't get that in the mainstream media (letters pages and radio phone-ins just don't carry the same capacity for initiating a considered debate instantly.)

It doesn't compare to getting a cheque in the mail, but it is a small reward when someone notes something you've blogged about and takes issue with it, or agrees fervently, or says you've opened their mind, or merely links to it from a blog of their own.

So if we're not going to pay bloggers cash, then it might be nice if more people left more comments as they bounce around the blogosphere. It won't pay the rent, but it will add further relevance and vitality to the medium, while also giving the authors some form of payback.

Blog Wars postscript

I came late to the blog wars that erupted in the Irish blogosphere recently, largely because I was doing other things, like getting drunk down under.

For those of you who don't give a shit about such things, which is basically everyone reading this who doesn't have an Irish blog themselves, plus a majority of those who do, one blogger suggested that the happy-clappy community atmosphere of Irish blogging was somewhat incestuous and stultifying.

They named a couple of names, and claimed that the best blogs didn't necessarily win at the Irish blog awards.

Then some of those named, plus some of their pals, took umbrage and lots of people typed angrily on their keyboards for a bit until the letters C, U, N and T were worn down by the efforts.

I can now hear you yawning, so I'll get to the point quickly.

Blogging is what you make of it, and ultimately it only functions as a modern day speaker's corner, expressing the individual opinions of those of us without syndicated newspaper opinion columns.

As such, it is a democratising factor in new media. You can find out what a postman thinks of the Lisbon Treaty, what gig a secretary enjoyed last night, or what small businesses are trying to do for their customers. You can also hear perhaps too much about some people's sex lives or their cats. And in the darkest corners, perhaps some people's sex lives with their cats.

Ahem.

Some people blog for affirmation that their jobs or lives don't provide for them. And that's fine. Often, for me as a reader, those confessional type blogs are quite fascinating. And generally well written too.

Others provide more of a general entertainment purpose. Sometimes more successfully than other times. But again it seems churlish to cavil, especially when it's free to read them and no one is making you do so.

Some people seem to be cynically emulating popular blogs from abroad. Some people use it as an outlet for their writing talent. Some just rant, like me. All of that is fine, to my mind. The weakness of the blogosphere is also its strength - the fact that it permits anyone an audience worldwide.

But I do also feel that the Irish blogosphere has a few teething troubles as it enters its toddlerhood.

I read quite a few Irish blogs, when I get the chance, and have even met one or two of those behind them. I'm pals with the odd blogger too. And of course, I blog too. That probably puts me in the middle of what I'm criticising here.

There is a lot of backslapping, and there are people who are repeatedly credited and applauded among Irish bloggers without necessarily earning it, I feel. I concur that to my mind the best blogs didn't necessarily win in the blog awards. But that's simply my opinion and other people's opinions clearly differ.

I think it is healthy for people to criticise other blogs. Apart from holding people to account for what they write, it also encourages debate, which is never a bad thing.

Good blogs have lived and died in Ireland for want of a readership. It would be nice to see more blogs reaching a wider readership than the same handful that are repeatedly cited in the lazy mainstream media. (Especially when some of those cited are by people working in the mainstream media.)

The music industry model seems to me a viable one for the Irish blogosphere to emulate. U2 will always pack out Croke Park and sell out in 30 seconds. And that's grand. But there needs to be the equivalent of Whelans or Belfast's Rotterdam, or those regional music pubs where a local band can get a break and an audience.

I'm not sure how that can be achieved, but it does seem to me that Mulley's Post of the Month initiative serves that purpose a whole lot better than his calling people cunts.

But I'm glad the row broke out, and well done to the lassie whose post kicked it all off, even if I wouldn't agree with all she said. Because it had to be said by someone, and now it has been we're all better off for it.

It's unfortunate that the resulting debate more resembled schoolyard cliques handbagging each other than a proper adult discussion, but I'd put that down to the size of the Irish blogosphere and the novelty of the medium.

What's important now is that people take away from this the ability to open up to new blogs regularly, and criticise anything they disagree with, and foment debate as often as possible.

Finally, I'd just like to say that the most depressing thing resulting from this storm in a teacup was the desperate efforts of some people to put the genie back in the bottle. (Sorry for mixing metaphors like cocktail ingredients, but you know what I mean.)

The schoolmarm tones of those who basically said: 'I don't care who started it or who called who what. Just stop crying, kiss and make up and let's all get back to class, okay?'

Sorry, but it's better if we retain the right to disagree and criticise each other. I love nothing more than when someone calls me on one of my rants. It's brilliant, because when they shout back, I'm forced to challenge my own opinions, my own preconceptions, and the result is generally that we all learn a little bit.

Here endeth the sermon.

Twenty Major doesn't smoke!

These revelations just in from the Irish Blog Awards which were held last night:

Sinead Gleeson travels with a permanent retinue of other female arts correspondents.

Bock the Robber is a lightweight who can't handle his ale. He went home before nine o'clock last night. Which was a pity as I was hoping to meet him and call him a wanker for liking not only Munster but Scunthorpe.

Irish Flirty Something has dyed her hair. I know this must be the case because I asked every redhead in the place if they were flirty or not. Yes, I did indeed get some funny looks for that.

Sarah Carey and Richard Delevan couldn't get babysitters.

And Twenty Major, who is a very nice, well spoken lad in real life, is off the fags. Who's smoking in Dublin bars now, eh? Well?

Congrats to everyone who won, and to all those who got nominated, or just got drunk. And an especial well done to Mulley for putting it all together and Rick O'Shea for compering the event.

See y'all next year.

And the nominations are ...

According to one informed net source, this little blog has made it to the Irish Blog Awards longlist as Best Political Blog for the second year running.

Once again, it's up against some very stiff opposition, in the shape of major group efforts like Irish Election and Slugger O'Toole, and the blogs of professional politicians, such as Eric Byrne and Ciaran Cuffe.

From my perspective, it's great to see some of Ireland's longest running political bloggers on the list too, like Richard Delevan and El Blogador. Nice to see the less serious commentators, like Bock, rubbing shoulders with the occasionally too serious, like the Cedar Lounge boys too.

It's an eclectic list, well worth delving into by anyone with any sort of political interest in this country.

If there's a surprise omission, for me it would have to be the always excellent and provocative Public Inquiry. But I suppose you can't have everything.

I'm frankly delighted to have made the cut, especially considering that three-month period last Autumn when lack of net access meant I could barely blog at all. And I would urge y'all to consider Skin Flicks when you get around to voting in the Blog Awards.

More than anything, though, congratulations are due to Damien Mulley for organising the event.

The best thing about the Irish blog awards is the fact that it brings, in the shape of the long lists, a sampling of the very best of the Irish blogosphere to a wider reading audience.

So take some time out, peruse the various nominees in all the different categories, from food blogs to photoblogs, politicos to humourists, and discover for yourself some of the excellent Irish blogs out there. That's what I intend to do over the next few weeks.

Well done to all taking part, and of course, vote Skin Flicks if you're so inclined!

Happy Unbirthday

My favourite bit of Alice in Wonderland was always the Mad Hatter's Tea Party, so reminiscent in its chaos and suppressed aggression of Skinner family dinners when I was a youth.

What people often forget is that the Hatter is celebrating his unbirthday, which he rightly points out is a much more sensible thing to do than to note the passing of another uneventful year since birth.

Today is indeed my unbirthday and I intend to celebrate it later.

However, it would be lax not to note that this little blog is a year old today. Yup, one year and 209 posts since we began, tens of thousands of readers, a couple of Irish blog award nominations, and a lot of ground covered already.

On the other hand, there remains an exponential growth in things to be angry about in today's Ireland, so I've no intention of stopping now.

But tomorrow is another day. Now is time to celebrate, and I want to mark the passing of my unbirthday by buying a car.

So, what should the Skinnermobile be? Any suggestions as to model and make? Four doors good, two doors bad? Gas guzzler or eco-freaky electric lawnmower?

Or should I just wait til next year for the new Delorean to come out?

What do you think?

Swearing Lady leaves Gombeen Nation

I'd like to give a shout out to the new blog on the block Gombeen Nation, who comes dripping with bile and legitimate anger about topics as diverse as the Irish Language industry and Padraig Pearse's latent (or is that blatant?) homosexuality.

Clearly an angry man after my own heart, he's one who'll go far, assuming the death threats from Gaelgeoiri don't succeed.

On the flip-side, I have to acknowledge much wailing and gnashing of teeth in the blogosphere (and that's just from me) at the apparently imminent retirement of everyone's favourite Profanist, The Swearing Lady, pictured right, swearing as usual.

Her tales from the Arse End of Ireland will be sorely missed.

Where's my gong?

In a world where entire squadrons of failed English cricketers can get MBEs, where even Scousers, amateur golfers and cycling historians are granted gongs, surely it is time to reward your humble servant JC Skinner with a blog award?

Yes, it's that time of the year when the Irish Blog Awards seek nominations of the good, the bad and Twenty Major for their annual recognition of Irish contributions to the blogosphere.

And that means it is also the time of the year for my shameless plug and undignified begging for your nomination.

Feel free to go here and give me a nomination before the 26th of January. Or I'll come round your house because I know where you live.*


*May not actually be true.