Why the internet doesn't matter

I've discovered a new mathematical formula today. It expresses the relevance of the internet, and I have calculated it to be 0.1%.

How did I do this? Quite simply. I took the 300,000 people who said on Facebook that they would march to the French Embassy to protest against the thieving of our World Cup place and divided that number by the 300 or so who actually turned up.

This little illustration firstly confirms the old gag that internet petitions aren't worth the paper they're written on. But it also reveals the extent to which posturing has replaced action in the repertoire of modern man.

Perhaps we are much more cowed, more frightened, more afraid to rock the boat than previous generations. Perhaps we are more lazy, more indoors, more sedentary too.

But primarily I think we're more inclined to spoof and bluster and posture than previous generations, and few things fulfil that remit better than the 'look at me' amateurism of the internet, especially (yes, I know) blogs and social networking sites.

We already know that such things aren't work. They aren't proper communication either. And if they're what passes for fun in the 21st century, I'd like to be put on the first bus back to the 20th, please.

So what are they? A billion electronic clamours for attention? Hard to say. One thing is increasingly sure though. The internet doesn't matter, and what you read there is almost definitely bullshit, unless it was nicked from some more trustworthy offline source.

How bullshit? Well, on the basis of my calculations at the French Embassy today, somewhere around 99.9% bullshit (unless I somehow missed a quarter of a million people in my count.)

Ireland is the most socially networked country on Earth

Social networking sites have been found to be national entities. And Ireland is the most socially networked country on the planet.

What do I mean? Sites like Bebo, Facebook and so on are in fact limited by national interests. Not one social networking site is genuinely global, with most limited from expanding into other countries by language barriers.

This study found that, inevitably, Ireland had the highest usage of social networking sites of any nation on Earth, as well as being Bebo's spiritual home.

But the study also reveals that social networking sites are becoming nationally limited in scope. Irish people use Bebo, Americans use MySpace (remember that?), Facebook is biggest in Turkey and Canada, Google's Orkut is big in Brazil, whereas India is the most LinkedIN.

What the study sadly doesn't reveal is why so many people still persist with such a moronic method of interacting. Maybe the Aliens will enlighten us when they start posting on Bebo.

And I think to myself ...

Some news today just seems to jar and shock me into a little perspective, especially when seen side by side.

Firstly, it appears that Irish and Spurs soccer captain Robbie Keane has fulfilled his lifelong dream of playing for Liverpool FC. This dream comes with a four year contract on just over 100,000 euro PER WEEK.

My lifelong dream is to have a job doing anything that pays 100 large ones weekly for ninety minutes work. Seems like Robbie got my lifelong dream as well as his own.

"Feel the size of me walleh, Claudine?'

Meanwhile, back in the reality that is existence for the vast majority of people on the planet, soaring global food prices have now become so high that not only is there another famine in Ethiopia, but in Haiti people have resorted to eating MUD.

Yes, mud. Baked earth. Because they have no food.

Breakfast, Haitian style. Same menu for lunch and dinner.

And finally, the billionaires behind online mong-magnet Bebo have decided to beam some of the social networking inanity into space so that, on the off-chance there is intelligent life elsewhere in the universe, they too can ROFL @ de kewl LOLs uv da Bebo thang.

OMG!!!! Alienz r kewlllll!!!!111!!!

My jury remains out on who has my pity the most this morning, the poor Haitians, the aliens or the long-suffering fans of Liverpool.

Like I said, perspective is proving elusive.

What a wonderful world.

Get your kids off Myspace

It's now time to get your kids off Myspace.

After various US states forced the Rupert Murdoch-owned firm to identify convicted sex offenders with profiles on the social networking site, they were horrified to discover that nearly 30,000 perverts had profiles on the site, which is popular with teens and even younger kids.

This is after Myspace had already removed 7,000 profiles of convicted sex offenders from the site. And this figure only includes American sex offenders, not those from any other country.

What's even more concerning is that word about using Myspace to contact underage kids seems to have gone out among the pervert world. How else to explain the quadrupling of the number of sex offenders on the site in the past two months?

Its rival in Ireland and the UK, Bebo, seems to be somewhat more serious when it comes to online safety of the underage. They appointed Irishwoman Dr Rachel O'Connell as their safety officer some time ago, and this week they introduced a set of educational resources to promote the safe and responsible use of social networking across its user community.

Which is not to say that I'd recommend permitting your children to spend hours unattended on any social networking site. But kids will be kids, and if they must be on a site like this, then it's clearly safer that they use Bebo.

And of course, it's of the utmost importance that parents involve themselves in their children's online lives, and inform themselves about the risks involved. Nothing makes a child safer in any walk of life than their feeling able to speak to and confide in their parents about everything.