We'd like the island and the big house back, thanks

First things first. Let's save trees. That's what the interweb is for. Download your copy of the Moriarty Report here. Now you have your Christmas reading material sorted.

Of course, Charlie Bird and numerous other breathless hacks have already spoiled the best gags in there, like how our evil hero Charlie Haughey stole three quarters of his best mate's liver transplant fund.

Or how he lived a mere 171 times beyond his means while telling the people of Ireland to tighten their belts and sell more of their children into emigration.

But really, we've all known for an awfully long time what a total scumbag and crook this venal little man was. Terry Keane, another venal little person, has repeatedly sold her story, so we already have it on eyewitness account that he was an adulterous man who splashed enormous cash because his bossy mistress made him feel like the uncultured shitehawk he actually was.

And as far back as the McCracken tribunal, we knew Charlie was dodgier than Gary Glitter running a kindergarten.

So really, the only outstanding issues that remain are as follows:

Why did it take so long to publish this report? Could some form of it not have emerged during the old thief's life, so that he knew exactly how disgraced and rumbled he was? Why was he permitted to bullshit the tribunal that he wasn't fit to attend for six years, during which he fecked off to regattas in the south of France and holidayed on his personal island?

Our current Taoiseach, now revealed as Charlie's cheque-signer, is allegedly a trained accountant. Since even children know that you don't sign blank cheques, how in the name of God does the Moriarty report whitewash Bertie? Either he should be stripped of both being Taoiseach and his accountancy qualifications for being a total moron, or else he should be facing corruption charges too. Saying he's a gobdaw is not sufficient.

Now we know Abbeville and Inishvickillaun are the products of corrupt behaviour. So why aren't they being turned over to the people? Why should Haughey's ugly brood benefit from this corruption? Apparently Haughey's €20 million in legal bills to the tribunal are to be paid by the state. Why should you and I have to pay that scumbag's legal bills, which he ran up while telling porkies to the tribunal to try to cover up his massively corrupt lifestyle? Sell the big house and the private island to pay the fucking bills.

Remember all of these questions come the next election, people. This report shouldn't go away. The people in power now were around then and knew what was going on.

When some candidate comes to the door crowing about Fianna Fail's success in the Irish economy or some such crap, demand that the Haughey family are made to pay their corrupt pappy's legal bills. Demand that the Criminal Assets Bureau seize the family estate and private island as products of corrupt behaviour and ill-gotten gain.

And via your votes, remove from power a man who considered it fine business practice to sign blank cheques for crooks.