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Monday, December 11, 2006

How to avoid the Brits

... or, to put it another way, which holiday destinations have the lowest density of English soccer hooligans?

As Christmas hastens hard upon, it is at times like these that a man's thoughts, honed by the howling wind outside his door, turn to the holidays. The SUMMER holidays, that is. The time you get to soak up beers and sunrays as opposed to the time imminent when you soak up abuse from distant relatives.

According to some research by the BBC, there are a number of countries out there best ignored if you want to avoid Brits, and apparently only one of them is Britain. (Three if you're being picky.)

Scarily, one in ten Brits now live abroad, a figure approaching the European record set by Ireland where something like thirty out of every ten passport holders live abroad, due to the fact that it has become the designer second citizenship of choice for many Yanks and Brits.

Yup. If they're not taking out Irish passports, those pesky Brits are emigrating en masse to your and my favourite holiday destinations, intent on making a shite of them. Which raises some questions about the popularity of Tony Blair's regime back home, when you think about it.

Australia, Spain, America, Canada and Ireland might as well be British already (should that be again?) there are so many Brits living there. And poor old New Zealand, South Africa and France are next to be Britified. (Again, one thinks, not for the first time either.)

Most of South America and large chunks of the Gulf and East Africa are also showing disturbing signs of turning Brit, according to the Beeb, and even countries like Thailand, Libya and China are not safe from their baleful influence.

So where does this leave the poor Irish holidaymaker, desperate to avoid the tens of millions of Brits masquerading as Irish people?

I'd suggest Berlin, Budapest and the Cape Verde Islands for your summer break this year, people. Such is the rate of property purchase by Irish investors, that the likelihood is that by summer there won't be any indigenous people left in any of those places, and you'll have it all to yourself.

Well, you and the half a million Paddies who bought up the neighbourhood, that is.

So in short, Santa, I'd like downtown commercial property in the historical centre of Tallinn for Christmas because I've been very good.

And baby Jesus, can we swap the six million British people pretending to be Irish for the 1.5 million Irish people pretending to be British, and then we could have world peace, just like Miss World promised?

Screw it, we'll even take the septics too. In the name of world peace, like.

kick it on kick.ie


Anonymous said...

Actually 854,000 pretend to be Brits and the others currently in limbo!
; )

Anonymous said...

In N.Ireland that is...whoops!

Annie Rhiannon said...

I can recommend Iceland. Only the good Brits come here.

JC Skinner said...

I know that to be true, Annie.
Sadly, however, I am only permitted into Iceland under licence after an unfortunate event of anger mismanagement on my part at the Kaffibarrin during the Airwaves festival some years back.
Hence, I am going to have to contemplate further on my summer vacation conundrum.
But cheers for the invite! ;-)

Jerry Cornelius said...

I recommend Mos Eisley on Tatooine. No Brits allowed!


[Cantina Scene]

Brit Tourist: "Hello!"

Skinner Alien: "My friend doesn't like you! I don't like you! I have the Death Sentence in five Icelandic villages!"

Brit Tourist: [Brandishes Broken Stellar Artois Bottle] "Die green-skinned foreign scum! Oi!"

Skinner Alien: [Producing Heavy Calibre Blaster] "Is that right like?"


JC Skinner said...

That may well be how it happened, Jerry, but I am legally prohibited from commentating!